Mahalo Kauai, Aloha Vegas!

Just another Tuesday at the office...in Kauai. I sacrificed sleep for Hawaiian sun & it was worth it baby! I did pay for it working the all nighter home however. In a desperate attempt to gain wings I pounded two Red Bulls back to back on an empty stomach. This proved not to be my brightest of ideas. Instead of acquiring energy, I lost the last bit I had yakking in the lavatory that at this point smelled like a stable. Woooooof! I think it's safe to say I won't be drinking any Vodka Red Bulls in Vegas this weekend! Speaking of, please keep Vegas in your thoughts. A modest 18 of us will be on the loose & you better believe we are ready to let the dogs out...

Where Art Thou Words?

Why is that when you are having an intense, important conversation with someone the words you'd like to use go on vacation? I had a talk this afternoon which was about as much fun as a trip to the gyno. I'd prepared a killer speech, but as soon as I saw him the words that I could find were shaky & unsure. Of course as soon as I left I had my Celine Dion moment and it all came back to me. FML.

We Ain't Hurtin Nobody, We Just Like to Party...

Last weekend was spent terrorizing Portland in celebration of sweet Jenny's birth. She has been on the planet for 26 years so naturally we pub crawled, Snuggie style. We definitely looked like cult members but we were warm & we were a hit. The best part was coming home & already being in makeshift pajamas. Vegas is next weekend, unfortunately our Snuggies don't meet the dress code.

Side Effects May Include...

My love affair with Ambien is no secret. The relationship has flourished as I have paid it some real TLC since I started my flying career. While we are very happy together there are some minor negative behavioral side effects that I feel should be listed on the label. Personally a few of these side effects include texting/calling inappropriate people, deleting facebook friends, & most notably not remembering the aforementioned actions. If only I could enjoy the sleep inducing hallucinogen without making poor technology related decisions. If only....

The Best, Best Friend Getaway

Some sweet sunshine is just what the doctor forgot to order. Good thing I thought of it. Jana & I had a wonderful time in Palm Desert. We laid in the sun, sipped on cocktails, & seriously mowed down some innocent pizza. We talked about life, love, loss & came to the realization that we came to no realizations! Guess we have to rest of our lives to work on workin it out.

Life is Short, Have an Affair

My schedule often compares to that of a vampire's. Night time is the right time as far as I am concerned. Night time is also when you see the best worst commercials. Like the wannabe Price is Right model in jean shorts & a halter top begging you to call & talk dirty to her. But tonight was a first. I saw a soft core porn scene advertising a website called AshleyMadison.com. Their tag line is "Life is short, have an affair." It is essentially a Match.com for disgusting, piggish, selfish married people who just want to bone down with someone other than their spouse. Ashley Madison's parents must be so proud.

Need the D

I have risen from my death bed, turns out I wasn't actually dying, I was just on deck. My recovery is slow but steady. In honor of me feeling half human Jana & I are Palm Desert bound tomorrow for some fun in the sun. I am in serious need of some Vitamin D after being trapped in the apartment for the last week. I look like Powder with hair. Not. Cute.

Desperately Seeking House Boy

It is times like these that a boyfriend would certainly come in handy. A boyfriend, or a bell that produced a helpful house boy when I rang it. I am sick. Quite sick actually-I may even be dying. I can think of quite a few things I have done to deserve this but it still sucks royally. I wasn't feeling well yesterday but woke up this morning cursing, knowing just what it was. The bitch is back....

Bronchitis. My chest feels like someone took a match to it, it is on fiiiiiiiahhh. I am achy head to toe, dizzy, blah blah blah. I couldn't be a bigger baby when I am sick but at least I own it. Working is obviously hazardous to my health, I flew a 4 day trip & I'm falling apart. I have been laid up on the couch all day, though I did go to the doctor so she could confirm my diagnosis & supply my drugs. I left the house long enough to learn something new today. You can purchase home paternity tests at your local CVS Pharmacy (Maury is going to be pissed). They are conveniently located between the Magnum condoms & pregnancy tests. The Magnum condoms led to this thought-they make slip covers for the well-endowed so why not for the itsy bitsy teeny weenies? Or do they? Can anyone shed some light on the subject? As you can tell my day was wildly productive & thought provoking.

After my exhausting outing I came home to reclaim my post on the sofa. Jana's sofa that is, poor girl. Not sure she will want to take it considering there is a Homer Simpson dent suspiciously the size of my supple ass smack in the middle of it. I knew things were serious when I cracked open a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos & could only eat 4. Sad. Day.

Since I am likely dying I hereby bequeath my hand-me-down crack house mattress to the dump, my amazing futon to the Underprivileged Flight Attendants Association, & my....well that is all I own actually. Settled. Jana & Noel can fight over my clothes & left over boxed pastas.

Ok, Housewives & Chelsea are over & my prescription cough syrup/Ambien cocktail is kicking in. Time to retire to my room, sans boyfriend & sans bell :(

Big love.

ps-Birthday shout outs to the lovely miracle child Jenny & that Kiwi trader Boundsy! So glad you bitches were born!

Marco 2.0

Marco is expecting a son in August. I know this because a few weeks ago he called & called again until I answered. Why he thought this was vital information for me to have I am still confused. I can tell our friendship is something he misses greatly. I miss it too to be honest. For some odd reason this was a tough something to hear. I wasn't surprised, first comes marriage then comes babies. It is just strange for the life I once planned with him to be lived by someone else. I truly am thrilled for him & know that he will be a loving devoted father.

I just hope that idiocy isn't genetic ;)

Litter Kwitter

After working a 4 day trip I dead headed home from Vegas yesterday. With 51 minutes to kill I flipped through the pages of the latest Sky Mall catalog. A few of the highlights included the Stainless Steel wallet, the Nano-UV Disinfection Scanner, & the Canine Genealogy Kit. But by far & away my favorite item was the Litter Kwitter.

The Litter Kwitter is the original, award winning 3-step cat toilet training system. The photo of a feline squatting on the seat had me choking on my mixed nuts. I was left so curious as to what the 3 steps were. And beyond that why the hell anyone would want to share a toilet with their pet? I don't want to share my bathroom with a boy, why on earth would I have any interest in competing for lav time with a kitty? If you are in need of a good laugh I highly recommend visiting the website which provides not only further details of the system but inspirational videos.