The Best, Best Friend Getaway

Some sweet sunshine is just what the doctor forgot to order. Good thing I thought of it. Jana & I had a wonderful time in Palm Desert. We laid in the sun, sipped on cocktails, & seriously mowed down some innocent pizza. We talked about life, love, loss & came to the realization that we came to no realizations! Guess we have to rest of our lives to work on workin it out.

Life is Short, Have an Affair

My schedule often compares to that of a vampire's. Night time is the right time as far as I am concerned. Night time is also when you see the best worst commercials. Like the wannabe Price is Right model in jean shorts & a halter top begging you to call & talk dirty to her. But tonight was a first. I saw a soft core porn scene advertising a website called AshleyMadison.com. Their tag line is "Life is short, have an affair." It is essentially a Match.com for disgusting, piggish, selfish married people who just want to bone down with someone other than their spouse. Ashley Madison's parents must be so proud.

Need the D

I have risen from my death bed, turns out I wasn't actually dying, I was just on deck. My recovery is slow but steady. In honor of me feeling half human Jana & I are Palm Desert bound tomorrow for some fun in the sun. I am in serious need of some Vitamin D after being trapped in the apartment for the last week. I look like Powder with hair. Not. Cute.

Desperately Seeking House Boy

It is times like these that a boyfriend would certainly come in handy. A boyfriend, or a bell that produced a helpful house boy when I rang it. I am sick. Quite sick actually-I may even be dying. I can think of quite a few things I have done to deserve this but it still sucks royally. I wasn't feeling well yesterday but woke up this morning cursing, knowing just what it was. The bitch is back....

Bronchitis. My chest feels like someone took a match to it, it is on fiiiiiiiahhh. I am achy head to toe, dizzy, blah blah blah. I couldn't be a bigger baby when I am sick but at least I own it. Working is obviously hazardous to my health, I flew a 4 day trip & I'm falling apart. I have been laid up on the couch all day, though I did go to the doctor so she could confirm my diagnosis & supply my drugs. I left the house long enough to learn something new today. You can purchase home paternity tests at your local CVS Pharmacy (Maury is going to be pissed). They are conveniently located between the Magnum condoms & pregnancy tests. The Magnum condoms led to this thought-they make slip covers for the well-endowed so why not for the itsy bitsy teeny weenies? Or do they? Can anyone shed some light on the subject? As you can tell my day was wildly productive & thought provoking.

After my exhausting outing I came home to reclaim my post on the sofa. Jana's sofa that is, poor girl. Not sure she will want to take it considering there is a Homer Simpson dent suspiciously the size of my supple ass smack in the middle of it. I knew things were serious when I cracked open a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos & could only eat 4. Sad. Day.

Since I am likely dying I hereby bequeath my hand-me-down crack house mattress to the dump, my amazing futon to the Underprivileged Flight Attendants Association, & my....well that is all I own actually. Settled. Jana & Noel can fight over my clothes & left over boxed pastas.

Ok, Housewives & Chelsea are over & my prescription cough syrup/Ambien cocktail is kicking in. Time to retire to my room, sans boyfriend & sans bell :(

Big love.

ps-Birthday shout outs to the lovely miracle child Jenny & that Kiwi trader Boundsy! So glad you bitches were born!

Marco 2.0

Marco is expecting a son in August. I know this because a few weeks ago he called & called again until I answered. Why he thought this was vital information for me to have I am still confused. I can tell our friendship is something he misses greatly. I miss it too to be honest. For some odd reason this was a tough something to hear. I wasn't surprised, first comes marriage then comes babies. It is just strange for the life I once planned with him to be lived by someone else. I truly am thrilled for him & know that he will be a loving devoted father.

I just hope that idiocy isn't genetic ;)

Litter Kwitter

After working a 4 day trip I dead headed home from Vegas yesterday. With 51 minutes to kill I flipped through the pages of the latest Sky Mall catalog. A few of the highlights included the Stainless Steel wallet, the Nano-UV Disinfection Scanner, & the Canine Genealogy Kit. But by far & away my favorite item was the Litter Kwitter.

The Litter Kwitter is the original, award winning 3-step cat toilet training system. The photo of a feline squatting on the seat had me choking on my mixed nuts. I was left so curious as to what the 3 steps were. And beyond that why the hell anyone would want to share a toilet with their pet? I don't want to share my bathroom with a boy, why on earth would I have any interest in competing for lav time with a kitty? If you are in need of a good laugh I highly recommend visiting the website which provides not only further details of the system but inspirational videos.

Fly Girls

There is a new show on the CW called Fly Girls. It is a "reality show" profiling Virgin America flight attendants. I was able to stomach it for a good 2 1/2 minutes before I had to abort the mission & retreat. When the crashpad resembled the Real World house I knew "reality" was being severely distorted. You may remember I slept on a bunk bed & shared my room with a mouse in NYC.

The network is playing the wrong angle, here they are painting a picture of glamour & excitement, how amusing is that? Let's expose the real shit! The helpless passengers, the Bitter Betty Senior Mamas, the inappropriate pilots, the Kansas City layovers. That is where the real entertainment lies people!

Don't get me wrong I loooooove my job, but waking up in Detroit at 5:00am this morning didn't feel so enchanting.

This story however makes the early mornings & long days worth it. I was working the Purser position & less than thrilled to be doing so. I had a lovely but very high maintenance family in the first class cabin. I was taking good care of them. One of the boys had a terrible sinus headache & I was playing nurse, I was chatting up the little girl, & gave the other boy my extra chocolate chip cookies. And of course I kept mom & dad all liquored up. I took care of them the way I would any other passenger. At the end of the flight the dad slipped something into my hand telling me what a great job I did & how much I deserved it. I assumed it was a "Going the Extra Mile" certificate, this little gold star type note that customers often fill in when they have exceptional service. I thanked him, slipped it in my pocket & said my goodbyes to the family. It wasn't until later that I dug my hand in my pocket only to discover a $100 bill. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??? The money was such a blessing of course, but the fact that my TLC was recognized & appreciated meant the world to me.