Monday, February 13, 2012

NOW 41

After suffering a break up this week I have a deeper understanding of why celebrities turn to publicists and general statements to make such announcements. I am beyond lucky to have so many loving people in my life who care about me, but as a result I have been recycling the same conversation all week about getting dumped. A discussion I could go without having once let alone twenty times. My mother is the worst. She's been stalking me, asking how I am doing as though I have a terminal illness rather than a bruised ego. My dad is also rather disappointed seeing as how he just learned his name and everything.

It is amazing the clarity that a bottle of vodka brings to light. Always one to walk on the bright side of the road I came up with some advantages of breaking up. I have regained control of the remote (good to see you again Bravo). I don't have to shave my legs as often (or ever). I am saving gas money as I was commuting for nookie. Also, now that I am not getting laid I have more time to study geography, French and find the cure for Cancer. In addition it has been a great excuse to blow the dust off my Kelly Clarkson collection. Not a bad list I'd say. There is however no advantage to getting dumped the week before Valentine's Day.

It is funny the things that people say in an effort to comfort. One common thread has been "you are so young, you have lots of time to find someone." A) Did I say I was old? B) My eggs beg to differ. C) I am not THAT young, I just saw a commercial for NOW 41.

People have been asking if I will go back on Match. I believe I will. In fact I am thinking I will join Match, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, Christian Mingles, and Jewcier to really cover my bases. I am kidding of course. But in all seriousness I will dive back into the online dating pool as it did work for me. I did meet a wonderful guy, he just wasn't mine to keep. I have comfort in the fact he wasn't that got away, he actually ran away ;) I knew as well that something was missing. I also know that as disheartening as it can be, I will continue the search to find it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


Two weeks into Match, two weeks to go. I signed up for just one month so soon enough I will only be wasting time on Facebook. Although I think I can say with confidence that my search for love is over. There is a studly 65 year old pursuing me who described himself as "mature" and seeking a long term relationship (I think short term is more realistic considering his age but whatevevs). Anyway the best news is he is willing to have more children.

I can gather a lot of information just from one's photos. I am not sure if that makes me judgemental or a character expert. But here are some tips-I will not be responding if you are wearing an Affliction tshirt; have only pictures of your dog; or your photos are of photos from the 90's. Just sayin'.

I am finding that online dating could be a full time job. I barely work and see it a challenge to keep up. One of the most difficult tasks is to remember where you are in a conversation with someone. I think my days of Ambien popping have caught up with me seriously impaired my memory. That reminds me! I went out with a pharmacist who told me that Ambien is the absolute last thing he'd ever take. He said that it causes "psychosis." For those of you that weren't psych majors psychosis is described as an abnormal mental state involving a loss of contact with reality. I smiled and nodded not wanting him to know "duh!", that is why I take it and chase it with red wine.

One guy I went out with text me saying how much he liked me but that I should know he's just looking for "fwb". I am so naive I had to ask to the room aloud what that was. Ah, yes. Friends with benefits my room mates explained (the kids all speak in acronyms now, it is so confusing). I didn't respond until the next day when he invited me over for a movie. I told him he was a good looking guy who should have no trouble meeting a girl who'd be happy to fall over with her legs in the air. He retracted his "fwb" comment, claiming he just wanted to hang out. I countered saying that inviting a girl over for a movie has meant the same thing since high school and good luck. I was prude then and I pretend to be prude now. So much for chivalry and romance.

I wonder if Bonnie Tyler ever found that hero she was holding out for....

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Must Love Duds

Break out the ice skates kids, hell has frozen over. After a bottle of Shiraz and years of contemplation I joined last week.

I have to start by saying the promise of matching people based on compatibility is hilarious. For example, my match of the day says "Like you, he's a non-smoker. Like you, he enjoys dining out. Like you, he loves dogs." I am not in a rush to pick out a wedding dress based on these ground breaking things in common.

I have received some of the most bizarre emails from the strangest of suitors. I feel bad not responding to these duds, but word on the online street is that is protocol if not interested. I feel like I should send out some formal rejection response, something along the lines of "thank you for your interest. Your application has been reviewed, unfortunately...." Not to imply that I am all that and a side of fries because there have been a few studs I have been interested in and been www.rejected/...

I had my first date and wasn't murdered so I considered it a success. I found the most terrifying part correctly identifying him in a crowded bar. My biggest fear was to approach a single guy and ask "are you so and so?" only to have his girlfriend return from the rest room. I found my date on the first try though and our drink lasted 3 hours. You would assume a 3 hour date would be a home run, but to be honest my attraction was stronger to the Ketel One I was drinking. He lost me when he mentioned what tanning salon he went to.

I had another date who was a total prince charming but something was missing. I seem to prefer my men in the frog stage. I have been waiting for my leading man to find me in perfect lighting with a killer soundtrack. Beginning to think life may be a foreign drama and not a romantic comedy however!

Not giving up on trolling for men online just yet. If nothing else it is just good for me to get out of the house and meet new people. Last week when I was leaving my room mate asked me what the occasion was because I had jeans on. Not. good.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

3 Days, 2700 Miles, 1 Raccoon and Countless Cheetos

3 days, 2700 miles, 1 raccoon, and countless Flaming Hot Cheetos later I have arrived safely in Virginia. Barry graciously offered to serve as Captain of the cross country adventure and I humbly served as first officer. My responsibilities included routing rest stops, telling Barry to slow down, speed up, stop texting, and requesting meals. You better believe I found an Olive Garden in Toledo, Ohio. Booyah!

A quick roadkill rant. We saw sooo many animals on our journey both alive, and not so much. One question, what the F are they doing hosting social hour along I-90? I mean hasn't word traveled that it's the place to be killed, and not to kill time? You think some little Bambi would tell his sob story to the rest of the animal kingdom and put a little stop in their step, but no. All the roadkill really broke my heart. But then becoming the roadkiller and murdering that little midnight bandit, I am all torn up. Mr. Raccoon, I am so sorry. But I think we can agree, this was your fault. RIP.

The last week has been just a whirlwind. There are a million and one things to get done before I can really let my breath out and hair down. For someone who considers a productive day plowing through the DVR, I am left utterly exhausted. In order to get my required visas for China and Russia I had to renew my passport. I was thrilled at the idea of getting a new one because my last photo is so shameful. I spent a little extra qt with the blow dryer the other morning in preparation for my CVS passport photo shoot. My glamour shot balloon was brutally burst however when I was told I couldn't smile and my hair had to be behind my ears. Do you know how much time I spend making sure my hair is in front of my ears? So, not my best feature. My smile however TOTES is, but apparently immigration could care less. After multiple attempts my photo came out looking like a mug shot; and not a saucy Lohan one, we are talking tranny hooker mug shot. You win some, you lose some....

Sunday, September 18, 2011

With A Little Help From My Friends

Well, my time in Seattle is winding down. I know this only because of the small amount of calendar days left before I leave and not at all due to my preparedness for departure. 10 days, guess I should start packing. But wait, New Jersey Housewives are on...maybe tomorrow.

I have had an amazing September. Birthday number 27 was truly exceptional. Flowers, balloons, gifts, cards-the love came from all over the country and I was truly humbled. After receiving $200 in Olive Garden gift cards I decided I need a new reputation. It might be nice to be known for a love of fitness, or philanthropy as opposed to cheese ravioli in marinara sauce and salad with no veggies, but extra croutons and dressing. Hmmm, that sounds good. Maybe my rep isn't so bad....

I have been doing my best to make my time left with my dear friends count. But I realized it has always counted and it has always been special. I will miss these women so so much. They are the salt to my french fries, the pepperoni to my pizza, the vodka to my soda. And it is these deep rooted friendships that give me the courage to make these crazy moves. No matter where I go, no matter how far, for how long they are cheering me on from home base. Not sure what I have done to deserve them, but I hope I keep it up.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye

After reading my last post, I am making the executive decision to cut myself off from Ambien cocktails and blogging. Not the prescription drug use and red wine consumption of course, only the dangerous writing element. I came off sounding like Debbie Downer's sister, Suicidal Susie.

Been busy living life as of late, instead of writing about it. Work has picked up this summer, which is great in theory but in reality is royally annoying. I have been waiting for the mythical Seattle summer for months, it is sort of here and I am missing out! I have been on an exhilarating domestic tour including exotic Tampa, Denver, Chicago, etc. That is about to change however because I have accepted a transfer to Washington D.C. While I am sure I will still get my share of Wichita lay overs, I will also be traveling to places including but not limited to Ghana, Moscow, Frankfurt, Dubai, Beijing, Rome, and I cannot wait. The time has come for me to see the world.

I will leave Seattle next month with mixed emotions, just as I left New York, and Los Angeles. Saying goodbye to my wonderful friends will be the most brutal part. They are sending me off with love and support, and with them I am leaving behind a piece of my little black heart. Thank sweet baby Jesus I fly for free. Surely I will miss them too much not to visit often. Otherwise Seattle can suck it!

To new beginnings, again.......

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Nobody's Girl

As of late I have felt rather lonely. Being in Seattle has been a tremendous blessing because my nearest and dearest friends are here. It has also been a bit of a curse because my nearest and dearest are all married, engaged, or in love which leaves me feeling left out and so alone.

People often advise me to create a list of what I am looking for in a man. It is no surprise that when I sit down to write this list, these are the things that come to my musical mind....

I want a man who gives me a kiss to build a dream on.

I want a man who sees my diamonds on the inside.

I want a man who will make me banana pancakes.

I want a man who thinks I am some kind of wonderful.

I want a man that wants to hold my hand.

I want a man who swears I am a pretty woman.

I want a man who wipes away the tracks of my tears.

I want a man who says you look wonderful tonight, every night.

I want a man to share a Sunday kind of love with.

I choose to remain hopeful, you never know, he may just be a 100 tears away......