Monday, December 28, 2009

Dr. Feelgood

So this pain in my back is becoming a real pain in my ass. I am learning to live with it, although I'd rather not. I have seen "Dr." Nick a few times. Mind you by Doctor, I mean Chiropractor. It seems we are pretty quick to dispense the term physician these days. I know some people swear by Chiropractic treatment but I remain skeptical. I categorize Chiro's as I do Mormons & people who sell Amway, nice enough people, just...mislead.

Dr. Nick ordered an MRI & X-rays before he'd treat me. During the evaluation he came up with a laundry list of things wrong with my back & neck. I just noticed how thin I looked in the X-ray, fabulous. He claims that I have 2 slipped disks. Not sure whether I believe him or whether he just wants to keep seeing me & my insurance card. He did ask me out while adjusting me, which was uncomfortable not to mention scary. I remember thinking "he's holding my head in his hands, maybe he'll just break my neck if I say no." Instead of saying no, I opted for the awkward transition.

I had an appointment with the physical therapist at the same facility. But I thought she was a pretty sizable bitch so at this point I am holding out for a miracle & better pills.

A Merry Little Christmas


Yay--Christmas is over, onto dreading New Year's Eve!

I had a positively lovely holiday. I returned home from an amazing Sydney trip Christmas Eve morning. Jana took me to our favorite restaurant in Santa Monica for a special meal that night. Following our feast I invited some new Aussie friends to join us for cocktails. I sat at the table thinking this is what Christmas is all about, boozing with strangers. Ok, maybe not-but this year it worked! While others were tearing open gifts the morning of the 25th I was sleeping. I didn't even stir until 2pm, an 18 hr time change & 14 hr flight will do that to you. When Jana got home from work we celebrated the birth of Christ with pepperoni pizza & a movie date. Glorious!

So Santa didn't bring me anything on my list, but he did deliver a hot Aussie to makeout with- which I didn't even think to ask for. So Mr. Claus, props.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Huge, Quickly

It is my sincere wish that everyone stop talking about Tiger Woods & start focusing on more important things, like the Jersey Shore on MTV. Now these are people worth discussing. Their behavior may be questionable, but it is honest. They aren't hiding their "transgressions", just the opposite in fact. Proudly they are pounding their protein, poofing their hair, & fist pumpin' like champs. If you haven't done so yet, tune in immediately. You gotta do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Alright. Bye.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Big Cheese

The holidays are officially in full swing. Of course in LA there is no snow or cold to indicate the arrival of the season, but I teared up at a Folgers Christmas commercial & it hit me like a ton of bricks. For a single person, well for this single person it is an awful time of year. For some reason I feel 10 times more alone. I blame the music primarily. All the songs are something like "all i want for Christmas is you, please come home or I'll get run over by a reindeer." Why doesn't Kelly Clarkson release a holiday album? Something like "Independent Christmas." Until that drops, I think I will stick to the Chipmunks singing about planes that loop the loop & hula hoops.

Noel & I enjoyed a lovely dinner at the Olive Garden this evening. Some might consider me a high maintenance patron but our waiter Mike understood me. He broke policy by leaving the cheese grater on the table, it's like he could see my Romano hungry soul. Personally I think his arm was tired & he had other tables to tend to, but still the grater was mine for the meal. At the end of dinner, Mike wrapped up the grater in a bread bag with a wink. Delighted I slipped it in my purse. I really have earned it after all these years I think. In fact it is a mystery as to why I don't have a plaque on the wall, & a personal parking space.

Ambien is kicking in, when that happens I am like Frank the Tank from Old School when he gets the tranquilizer dart in his neck. Not cute--night lambs. Big love.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Victory--Indefinitely, Not Probably

Finally!

After weeks of frustration I have mastered Lil Wayne's verse of Jay Sean's "Down." A small feat for some, but quite an accomplishment for me. Now I have to brainstorm some killer stage names....

Friday, November 27, 2009

They Had Prego at Plymouth Right?

Happy Thanksgiving!

I had an unconventional but great holiday. I got up early, around 11:50am & met Jana for Starbucks. It was pretty rough melting in the 80 degree heat, so we enjoyed our FREE (it totally pays to have such a smokin' hot best friend) drinks in the shade.

I went for a little jog in the afternoon. I've been inspired to become Lindsay Lohan crack whore skinny. While I would like to achieve that by abstaining from exercise & sticking to a strictly fried food diet I am hearing that may not be the ticket. Because I have negative will power I am starting with exercise, giving up french fries may not be worth wearing a size small!

Jana had to work so I scooted to a matinee of the movie Precious. I paid $11 to cry for 2 hours. I literally bawled through the entire movie. We are talking lip quivering, runny nose, chest heaving sobbing. It was a phenomenal film that everyone should see. One of those "and I thought i had problems" kind of flicks.

I came home & fixed Spaghetti just like the pilgrims. Then I made a yellow cake strictly so I could lick the bowl. So much for being crack whore skinny....

I was on call to work but wasn't used...again. I had a few wonderful heart felt invitations for dinner but felt funny about turkey crashing. Over the last couple of years I have gotten used to being on my own. Being lonely & depressed has become my tradition. And you don't monkey with tradition!

It is unfortunate that only one day a year is dedicated to giving thanks. Most of us spend the other 364 days complaining, griping, bitching, & moaning. I thought a lot today about my blessings & am going to strive to make every day Thanksgiving, or at least every other day ;)

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Bitch is Back


So I have abandoned Blogville, but for the best of reasons. I have been busy! Not working of course, I don't have time for that. I actually haven't worked since I was "man down" on November 8th. I had a week off & spent the majority of that time in Seattle. I stayed at my old apartment with Sarah, I still feel right at home on State Street. It really hit me when I called to order a Pagliachi's pizza & they said "is this the Vaughn residence?" I was like "hell yes it is!". Nice to know they haven't forgotten me.

I was long overdue for catching up with some of my favorite people. My adopted families made some time for me, & it was most definitely well spent. The main Seattle event was Pammy Sue's Bachelorette party. The Tri Delta 2002 pledge class has still got it! We tore up the town in honor of the most deserving woman. She has found her prince charming & they are writing their very own fairy tale.

I came home & spent a few days recovering. I was back on call but didn't work, November is really slow which I am trying to enjoy since December will be crazy I am sure. My most treasured friend Sarah & her southern gentleman spent the weekend in Palm Desert, so I crashed the party. We sun bathed, shopped, ate, & of course drank. We were the youngest by about well---A LOT of years, so we were a big hit. My biggest admirer's name was Robbie who said he'd have his wife murdered so we could be together. Sadly that is the most romantic proposal I have had lately.

At 25 I feel a bit like I am falling apart. My grandpa kindly pointed out that that didn't happen for him til he was 80. With my lifestyle choices it doesn't shock me that my body is failing so soon! My back has been killing me since my fall. I finally went to the doctor today who diagnosed me with Back Spasm. She gave me some good drugs which I may have to sell in order to pay for my ER visit. She also ordered Physical Therapy. Marco thinks he should treat me, I think we should leave our physical relationship in the past! Just for kicks my body decided to give me an ear infection, perhaps to distract me from my back pain.

Couldn't let my ailments stand in the way of my adventures. Jana & I hiked to the Hollywood sign this afternoon. I'd consider it a success, since I didn't die. To be honest I was pretty tired just from the drive from Redondo to Hollywood! The first 15 minutes were the worst, I was certain my heart was going to explode. I kept being like "let's take a picture" looking for any excuse to stop for 2 seconds. Embarrassing. Ya think it's time to get back in shape kids?

My liver wrote me a hate letter demanding a break from boozin. There have been so many events & things to celebrate lately so it has been a challenge. Like just last week, it was Monday, hello!? How can you just ignore Monday without a night out. Ugh. Don't fret, it is not time to call Dr. Drew just yet.

Time for bed, my muscle relaxer is kicking in & I want to be tucked in before I see the couch float across the living room.

I found out that people actually read this, so I will be better about updating!

peace & love.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Head Trauma Drama


I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later--I had my first onboard medical emergency. I missed all the drama however because the emergency was ME!

I was working the redeye from Maui to Denver after a fabulous 34 hour layover. I was chit chatting with some senior mama's in the first class galley when I suddenly felt really ill. I became dizzy & my vision went black. What they tell me is that I fell & hit my head on the door on the way down, then apparently suffered a mild seizure. When I came to they were administering Oxygen & a doctor was checking me out. The first class cabin got quite a show! I was only out for a couple of minutes but my crew was absolutely amazing. They worked so quickly calling for help & getting all of the emergency equipment prepared. The Purser joked he was disappointed he didn't get to use the AED--I think he just wanted to tear my dress open ;)

For the rest of the flight I was positively miserable, I vomited 6 times-a personal record. I thought throwing up out a cab window was awful, nothing is worse than an airplane bathroom. The sweet lil Doc looking after me kept trying to rehydrate me with fluids but I just couldn't keep anything down. I had one more helping of Oxygen & an icepack on my head when not 1 but 2 passengers asked me for some ridiculous something! Never has there been a more appropriate WTF moment. As a precaution a paramedic met the flight in Denver, mind you I was mortified. I don't mind attention in any instance but this one-I felt so embarrassed & silly. They wanted to take me to the hospital there but it was my choice & I wanted nothing more than to be home. I dead headed home to LA promising that I'd get checked out first thing when I landed.

Nurse Cassie found me an ER to visit which I did at her urging. I was issued the standard gown which does even less for me than the polyester potato sack & of course I had a cute young McDoctor. I was doing my best to be coy & cute after profusely yakking all night, no easy task. I wanted to be his favorite head trauma patient of the day. I must have been working that gown because before I was released he gave me his digits reminding me that when I left I was technically no longer his patient. Long (4 hr!) story short they did an EKG & CT, both came back normal. They kept me just to rehydrate me & socialize I think, I was definitely the hit the the ER. I gave Steve relationship advice, told Amy how impressed I was for working full time & going to school, told Mike I'd definitely see him at Gasser's in Redondo, & congratulated Trav on the new baby.

McDreamy came over for wine at the apartment even though his instructions were rest & plenty of water. I was excited for his arrival even though I was utterly exhausted. Turns out he was McDreamier in his scrubs. He is kind, smart, funny, blah blah. Great on paper, terrible on the lips. He kissed me goodnight & I just kept thinking "why is his mouth so mad at my mouth?" My lips are considering filing charges for the assault. He was the worst ever, I had to fight from laughing when he complimented my phenomenal kissing skills. Next!

This day has felt like 3. I have been up for 35 hrs! 2:30am, time to get that rest McSucky ordered.....

Monday, November 2, 2009

Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah


Jana and I had a day date at Disneyland today. I think it is safe to say that we were the only 25 year old duo, but we had loads of fun in addition to our corn dogs & Mickey shaped ice cream! My face hurts from laughing and my ears hurt from Jana's screams on Space Mountain. The trip got my heavy heart bouncing, just what the doctor ordered. I want to move to Main Street and work for Mr. Mouse. I think I was born for the role!
I felt the Tom Vaughn effect however--all of the children were a bit overwhelming. I have a great idea for a horror flick. Instead of the world being taken over by aliens, terrorists, monsters, or machinery--STROLLERS! Keep that idea under your hats, thinking of shopping it around Hollywood.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Probation Violation

I am going out tonight against my better judgment. The other night I drank like Lindsay Lohan and then proceeded to behave like her. Hoping to be an exemplary citizen tonight. Here's hoping. Cheers!

Monday, October 26, 2009

The X Factor

I pride myself on being a superior flight attendant. I am friendly, talkative, helpful. I smile & recently I have mastered the wink. In the "biz" I'm classified as a Super Stew. Unfortunately my status has been temporarily revoked- I just returned home from a 2 day trip in which I was a Sucky Stew.

While there are a number of variables contributing to my poor performance I primarily blame the passengers. Very sadly there is a generic passenger who seems to be multiplying at an exponential rate. Let's call this passenger "X."

X brings a bag on board that doesn't fit in the bin & throws a temper tantrum when it has to be checked. X sits in the wrong seat. X absolutely must pee upon take off. X is utterly confused when approached during the beverage service, apparently X didn't see us serving the 15 rows in front of him. X is wearing head phones & inconvenienced when asked for his choice. X asks what we have. Patiently I respond "coke, diet coke, sprite, diet sprite, orange juice, apple juice, tomato juice, bloody mary mix, cran apple, tonic water, sparkling water, still water, coffee, tea, milk." X says he would like an Orange Fanta. X is an idiot.

I could go on but my tired fingers don't have any more energy to waste on X.

You have your good trips & your bad. Regrettably I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the country & couldn't snap out of it. To add insult to injury I ripped my pantyhose on the first leg of a 3 leg day. I looked like a homeless air hostess, saddest sight ever.

I have 3 days off to recover. The pep will be back in my step next trip....I hope!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Welcome Aboard, Dick

Well I kept my fingers crossed to keep my job, and what do you know they put me to work! Flying has really picked up, which in theory is great but logistically it has really gotten in the way of my lounging. It is almost like I have a full time job!

I have met some wonderful people and some that royally suck as of late, but only a few have left lasting impressions. I had a Honolulu trip and worked with a woman whose husband shot her...5 times, literally she was shot a hand FULL of times! She was fascinating on many levels but what I couldn't stop thinking about was her will to live. 5 gun shot wounds and she continued to fight for her life. I contemplated giving up after my pizza oven burn. So marriage is not only the leading cause of divorce but it can also lead to potential death? The single life is looking better and better.

Speaking of erroneous gun shots, former Vice President Dick Cheney was on my flight from Vancouver to Denver. My nap between hops was interrupted by an uppity gate agent informing us that Dick would joining us. Imagine the delight of my 2 gay male flying companions! Naturally I was greeting, my "hello" skills have yet to be matched. Two secret service agents boarded first, I recognized them by their furrowed brows and coiled ear thingy's, just like in the movies. Right behind them Dick rolled up, yes rolled-in a wheel chair. At 68 years old, Mr. Cheney looks 112. He has a bad knee, and a bad attitude. He settled into seat 1a and general boarding commenced.

Two suits remained on the jet way, occasionally looking up at the people boarding but mostly typing furiously on their Blackberry's. Because I lack a filter and think I am so funny, I poked my head out to ask if they were playing Brickbreaker. Fearing for just a moment that I was going to be arrested for making a joke I was relieved when they both laughed. I told them my high score and said I wouldn't judge them if they were checking their Facebook. A few passengers stopped at 1a to say something to Cheney and when they did the SS looked ready to tackle and destroy. I was thinking 'I'm pretty sure this 70 year old grandma in wind pants isn't much of a threat,' but whatever they were doing their job I guess. I am sure you are on the edge of your seat--Gin and Tonics from take off to landing. He was in out and out of sleep, that 2 hour flight just tuckered the old bugar right out!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Mystic Pizza


Jana and I had every intention of going out on Friday night for a drink. Well as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions! We antagonized each other and dared each other with drinks and shots til we were warm and toasty and....hungry! As fate would have it, we ran into the manager of the restaurant we dined at earlier in the week. We pleaded our case and he opened the kitchen at 1:00am for just the two of us!

We fired up the oven, uncorked the Chianti, turned up the tunes and got to work. With unwashed hands (eeeeww) we designed our drunken pepperoni pizza! It felt like I was in a romantic comedy, except that there were two leading ladies, and the leading man looked like a 70's porn star. We dined on chocolate chip cookies and washed them down with our red wine while waiting for the finished product. Sounds appetizing right?

It was up to me to get the pie out of the oven. Now we all know that I have no business being in the kitchen even sober. A drunken Emily reaching into an oven was not the brightest of ideas. I now have a gnarly burn on the my right index finger, looks like it may scar so I will have a permanent reminder of this classic night.

Since we violated nearly every public health code, the name of the establishment shall remain a mystery. Can't say I'll be back, after my grubby little hands were in everything!

Life lesson #89-don't booze and bake!

Bread and Butter

I had a passenger the other day, big and beefy just how I don't like 'em. His head looked like a lemon on a water melon body. He called me over to ask me if I was married, then if I was engaged. Why I don' think to lie in these situations is a mystery to me. I made a quick exit but couldn't go far as it is difficult to hide at 30,000 feet. I dreaded reaching his row during the beverage service. I asked him if he wanted anything and he replied "just your phone number." Pause for actual vomiting. Without missing a beat in my Super Stew voice I said "I'm sorry, that is not complimentary, but we do have a variety of coke products."

A flight attendant recommended online dating to me and tears nearly filled my eyes. I realize that many people are finding love this way but don't think I have the sense of urgency or luck for such an avenue. I'd probably end up with a married pedophile. I will stick to meeting losers in person.

Speaking of, the M word is set to marry in January, but "can't get me out of his head." Shocking, I have been there for 6 years. He's asked to see me but the jury is still out on that one. We truly have a beautiful deep rooted friendship but at the same time he has a serious power over me and I shouldn't gift him the opportunity to use it. Although it does make me giggle to see 38 year old Marco in braces. Maybe we should meet for salad and corn on the cob....

The good news is I am not nearly as lonely as I was. Having Jana here has filled a void the size of the grand canyon. She is my best friend, my therapist, drinking buddy, laugh factory, shot gun rider, teeny tiny shoulder to cry on, and finally my roomie! She is the salt to my french fries and the bread to my butter.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Uncool Rider

You know the saying "it's like riding a bike?" Of course you do. This phrase implies that riding a bike is something that comes second nature, it implies that it is easy. For most people it likely is. But we all know I am not most most people! The transportation fairy gifted me a beach cruiser for my birthday, something I have wanted since I moved to the South Bay. I expected to jump on the bike & cruise with ease like the cool rider I'd hoped to be. My expectations did not align with reality in this instance.

I imagine that watching me re-learn to ride a bike is like watching Bambi learn to walk. The problem is not actually pedaling or riding itself, my trouble is the obstacles ranging from people to cars to dogs, garbage cans, etc. And don't even get me started on hills! I have provided Jana some serious belly laughs as she has bared witness to me forgetting how to brake & stop Flinestone style with my feet, & heard me whisper "obstacle" when I spy a potential impediment in my path. She swears I am not that bad but she is required to say that, it is in the best friend contract. Next to the bike I look awesome, on the bike I look petrified. The drama only lasts until I get to the strand. The strand being the path along the beach, also known in my head as Pleasantville. I am finally the bike riding Cali beach babe I wanted to be, I just need a little more practice ;)

We had a roomies night out last night which evolved into Emily's day in today. I love having room mates again, but they are dangerous as it turns out. When I started nodding off while taking care of business in the ladies room I decided it was time to rally the troops & hail the cab. The most productive thing I have done today is write this post, yikes! I left the apartment twice-once to go to McDonald's & once more to go to McDonald's. There is always tomorrow to be a fruitful citizen.....

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

pilates + pizza - purpose


I say uncle & give into this blogging business. Here goes...

First things first--it was a very happy birthday to me! In fact it really should be my birthday more often. I was truly overwhelmed by the well wishes I received. My phone was blowing up all day, at one point I swear I saw the Blackberry actually smoking! It was quite possibly the longest celebration in history. Jana & I kicked things off on the 31st, she captured on film some truly embarrassing yet impressive & historically accurate Tina Turner choreography. If I'm ever discovered she's got some serious black mail.

The fun continued with Cassie, Sarah, Jenny, & Lindsay who visited over Labor day. It definitely pays to live in a vacation destination. We tanned, we ate, we drank, we danced, we shopped--repeat! It was such a great time.

My new apartment is amazing. It looks like a real grown up's place complete with actual furniture including a couch, chair, & coffee table (courtesy of Ms. Laslo) to name a few! Having Jana & Noel as roomies has been such a blast. I feel like I am back in the sorority--in a good way. We are in & out of each others rooms & closets, gossiping & chit chatting day & night. 232 N Juanita is a true home filled with laughter & love.

Jana dragged me to a Pilates class tonight. I was so proud of myself I insisted we indulge in a celebratory pizza. Followed by a Betty Crocker yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Jans was top chef, but I got to lick the bowl! Guess I have to go to 3 Pilates classes tomorrow....

Still figuring out this blogging thing-I am not very technologically savvy. I use the computer to make my mean mixed tapes, play Freecell, & check my AOL account so this is a big step. Stay tuned love bugs.

efv

ps- Life By the Drop is a fantastic Stevie Ray Vaughan song that continues to inspire me. Learn it, love it, live it.