Thursday, October 29, 2009
Probation Violation
I am going out tonight against my better judgment. The other night I drank like Lindsay Lohan and then proceeded to behave like her. Hoping to be an exemplary citizen tonight. Here's hoping. Cheers!
Monday, October 26, 2009
The X Factor
I pride myself on being a superior flight attendant. I am friendly, talkative, helpful. I smile & recently I have mastered the wink. In the "biz" I'm classified as a Super Stew. Unfortunately my status has been temporarily revoked- I just returned home from a 2 day trip in which I was a Sucky Stew.
While there are a number of variables contributing to my poor performance I primarily blame the passengers. Very sadly there is a generic passenger who seems to be multiplying at an exponential rate. Let's call this passenger "X."
X brings a bag on board that doesn't fit in the bin & throws a temper tantrum when it has to be checked. X sits in the wrong seat. X absolutely must pee upon take off. X is utterly confused when approached during the beverage service, apparently X didn't see us serving the 15 rows in front of him. X is wearing head phones & inconvenienced when asked for his choice. X asks what we have. Patiently I respond "coke, diet coke, sprite, diet sprite, orange juice, apple juice, tomato juice, bloody mary mix, cran apple, tonic water, sparkling water, still water, coffee, tea, milk." X says he would like an Orange Fanta. X is an idiot.
I could go on but my tired fingers don't have any more energy to waste on X.
You have your good trips & your bad. Regrettably I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the country & couldn't snap out of it. To add insult to injury I ripped my pantyhose on the first leg of a 3 leg day. I looked like a homeless air hostess, saddest sight ever.
I have 3 days off to recover. The pep will be back in my step next trip....I hope!
While there are a number of variables contributing to my poor performance I primarily blame the passengers. Very sadly there is a generic passenger who seems to be multiplying at an exponential rate. Let's call this passenger "X."
X brings a bag on board that doesn't fit in the bin & throws a temper tantrum when it has to be checked. X sits in the wrong seat. X absolutely must pee upon take off. X is utterly confused when approached during the beverage service, apparently X didn't see us serving the 15 rows in front of him. X is wearing head phones & inconvenienced when asked for his choice. X asks what we have. Patiently I respond "coke, diet coke, sprite, diet sprite, orange juice, apple juice, tomato juice, bloody mary mix, cran apple, tonic water, sparkling water, still water, coffee, tea, milk." X says he would like an Orange Fanta. X is an idiot.
I could go on but my tired fingers don't have any more energy to waste on X.
You have your good trips & your bad. Regrettably I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the country & couldn't snap out of it. To add insult to injury I ripped my pantyhose on the first leg of a 3 leg day. I looked like a homeless air hostess, saddest sight ever.
I have 3 days off to recover. The pep will be back in my step next trip....I hope!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Welcome Aboard, Dick
Well I kept my fingers crossed to keep my job, and what do you know they put me to work! Flying has really picked up, which in theory is great but logistically it has really gotten in the way of my lounging. It is almost like I have a full time job!
I have met some wonderful people and some that royally suck as of late, but only a few have left lasting impressions. I had a Honolulu trip and worked with a woman whose husband shot her...5 times, literally she was shot a hand FULL of times! She was fascinating on many levels but what I couldn't stop thinking about was her will to live. 5 gun shot wounds and she continued to fight for her life. I contemplated giving up after my pizza oven burn. So marriage is not only the leading cause of divorce but it can also lead to potential death? The single life is looking better and better.
Speaking of erroneous gun shots, former Vice President Dick Cheney was on my flight from Vancouver to Denver. My nap between hops was interrupted by an uppity gate agent informing us that Dick would joining us. Imagine the delight of my 2 gay male flying companions! Naturally I was greeting, my "hello" skills have yet to be matched. Two secret service agents boarded first, I recognized them by their furrowed brows and coiled ear thingy's, just like in the movies. Right behind them Dick rolled up, yes rolled-in a wheel chair. At 68 years old, Mr. Cheney looks 112. He has a bad knee, and a bad attitude. He settled into seat 1a and general boarding commenced.
Two suits remained on the jet way, occasionally looking up at the people boarding but mostly typing furiously on their Blackberry's. Because I lack a filter and think I am so funny, I poked my head out to ask if they were playing Brickbreaker. Fearing for just a moment that I was going to be arrested for making a joke I was relieved when they both laughed. I told them my high score and said I wouldn't judge them if they were checking their Facebook. A few passengers stopped at 1a to say something to Cheney and when they did the SS looked ready to tackle and destroy. I was thinking 'I'm pretty sure this 70 year old grandma in wind pants isn't much of a threat,' but whatever they were doing their job I guess. I am sure you are on the edge of your seat--Gin and Tonics from take off to landing. He was in out and out of sleep, that 2 hour flight just tuckered the old bugar right out!
I have met some wonderful people and some that royally suck as of late, but only a few have left lasting impressions. I had a Honolulu trip and worked with a woman whose husband shot her...5 times, literally she was shot a hand FULL of times! She was fascinating on many levels but what I couldn't stop thinking about was her will to live. 5 gun shot wounds and she continued to fight for her life. I contemplated giving up after my pizza oven burn. So marriage is not only the leading cause of divorce but it can also lead to potential death? The single life is looking better and better.
Speaking of erroneous gun shots, former Vice President Dick Cheney was on my flight from Vancouver to Denver. My nap between hops was interrupted by an uppity gate agent informing us that Dick would joining us. Imagine the delight of my 2 gay male flying companions! Naturally I was greeting, my "hello" skills have yet to be matched. Two secret service agents boarded first, I recognized them by their furrowed brows and coiled ear thingy's, just like in the movies. Right behind them Dick rolled up, yes rolled-in a wheel chair. At 68 years old, Mr. Cheney looks 112. He has a bad knee, and a bad attitude. He settled into seat 1a and general boarding commenced.
Two suits remained on the jet way, occasionally looking up at the people boarding but mostly typing furiously on their Blackberry's. Because I lack a filter and think I am so funny, I poked my head out to ask if they were playing Brickbreaker. Fearing for just a moment that I was going to be arrested for making a joke I was relieved when they both laughed. I told them my high score and said I wouldn't judge them if they were checking their Facebook. A few passengers stopped at 1a to say something to Cheney and when they did the SS looked ready to tackle and destroy. I was thinking 'I'm pretty sure this 70 year old grandma in wind pants isn't much of a threat,' but whatever they were doing their job I guess. I am sure you are on the edge of your seat--Gin and Tonics from take off to landing. He was in out and out of sleep, that 2 hour flight just tuckered the old bugar right out!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Mystic Pizza
Jana and I had every intention of going out on Friday night for a drink. Well as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions! We antagonized each other and dared each other with drinks and shots til we were warm and toasty and....hungry! As fate would have it, we ran into the manager of the restaurant we dined at earlier in the week. We pleaded our case and he opened the kitchen at 1:00am for just the two of us!
We fired up the oven, uncorked the Chianti, turned up the tunes and got to work. With unwashed hands (eeeeww) we designed our drunken pepperoni pizza! It felt like I was in a romantic comedy, except that there were two leading ladies, and the leading man looked like a 70's porn star. We dined on chocolate chip cookies and washed them down with our red wine while waiting for the finished product. Sounds appetizing right?
It was up to me to get the pie out of the oven. Now we all know that I have no business being in the kitchen even sober. A drunken Emily reaching into an oven was not the brightest of ideas. I now have a gnarly burn on the my right index finger, looks like it may scar so I will have a permanent reminder of this classic night.
Since we violated nearly every public health code, the name of the establishment shall remain a mystery. Can't say I'll be back, after my grubby little hands were in everything!
Life lesson #89-don't booze and bake!
We fired up the oven, uncorked the Chianti, turned up the tunes and got to work. With unwashed hands (eeeeww) we designed our drunken pepperoni pizza! It felt like I was in a romantic comedy, except that there were two leading ladies, and the leading man looked like a 70's porn star. We dined on chocolate chip cookies and washed them down with our red wine while waiting for the finished product. Sounds appetizing right?
It was up to me to get the pie out of the oven. Now we all know that I have no business being in the kitchen even sober. A drunken Emily reaching into an oven was not the brightest of ideas. I now have a gnarly burn on the my right index finger, looks like it may scar so I will have a permanent reminder of this classic night.
Since we violated nearly every public health code, the name of the establishment shall remain a mystery. Can't say I'll be back, after my grubby little hands were in everything!
Life lesson #89-don't booze and bake!
Bread and Butter
I had a passenger the other day, big and beefy just how I don't like 'em. His head looked like a lemon on a water melon body. He called me over to ask me if I was married, then if I was engaged. Why I don' think to lie in these situations is a mystery to me. I made a quick exit but couldn't go far as it is difficult to hide at 30,000 feet. I dreaded reaching his row during the beverage service. I asked him if he wanted anything and he replied "just your phone number." Pause for actual vomiting. Without missing a beat in my Super Stew voice I said "I'm sorry, that is not complimentary, but we do have a variety of coke products."A flight attendant recommended online dating to me and tears nearly filled my eyes. I realize that many people are finding love this way but don't think I have the sense of urgency or luck for such an avenue. I'd probably end up with a married pedophile. I will stick to meeting losers in person.
Speaking of, the M word is set to marry in January, but "can't get me out of his head." Shocking, I have been there for 6 years. He's asked to see me but the jury is still out on that one. We truly have a beautiful deep rooted friendship but at the same time he has a serious power over me and I shouldn't gift him the opportunity to use it. Although it does make me giggle to see 38 year old Marco in braces. Maybe we should meet for salad and corn on the cob....
The good news is I am not nearly as lonely as I was. Having Jana here has filled a void the size of the grand canyon. She is my best friend, my therapist, drinking buddy, laugh factory, shot gun rider, teeny tiny shoulder to cry on, and finally my roomie! She is the salt to my french fries and the bread to my butter.
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